“It’s Fine” Isn’t Really, Is It?
How many times have you asked your partner what’s wrong and they respond with, “nothing, it’s fine”? But is it fine? And why is that a catch-all for problems going unresolved? Do you long for more than just surface level responses and catty comments from your spouse? Do you want to dig in deeper and learn how to have a healthier relationship? Then stay tuned!
Why Do Couples Drift Apart?
Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship researcher, says that it’s the “small bids for connection” that are the most important in relationships. His research, spanning over 40 years, shows that couples who turn toward each other’s bids for attention, humor, or affection are far more likely to stay together (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Turning towards your spouse, instead of away from them. When I come up to Andrew, who is scrolling on his phone, and give him a hug, I am making a bid for connection. He can choose to keep scrolling on his phone, until eventually I give up and walk away (which is turning away) or he can put down his device, hug me and ask me about my day (turning towards). It’s the sum of these experiences that create patterns in your relationship. Do you turn away or towards your partner? How do they treat you?
If these bids for connection consistently go unmet, we end up feeling resentful, angry, hurt and less able to let go of the “little things” in our marriage.
How Broken Does My Marriage Need to Be?
A common misconception about couples counseling is that you only go when the house is burning down. But here’s the reality—counseling is more like routine maintenance for your relationship. Couples counseling can help you tune up your communication, reconnect emotionally, and address small issues before they become big problems.
In 2014, a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that couples who participated in therapy reported significant improvements in relationship satisfaction, communication, and overall emotional intimacy (Christensen et al., 2014). Even couples who were relatively happy with their relationship before counseling saw positive changes. So, you don’t have to be at rock bottom to benefit—counseling works for couples at every stage of their relationship, whether you’re newlyweds or celebrating your 20th anniversary.
What Happens in Couples Counseling?
Let’s clear up another myth: couples counseling isn’t just an hour of sitting in a room silently staring at each other while a therapist asks, “How does that make you feel?” It’s actually a pretty dynamic process that helps couples uncover patterns in their communication, learn conflict resolution skills, and rebuild emotional intimacy.
We are mostly informed by the Gottman Method, which spends a lot of time focusing on the couples’ relationship prior to marriage - what drew them together, what do they like most about each other, and how can they focus on rekindling their friendship? In fact the Gottmans state that the number one predictor of a successful happy marriage is friendship. When is the last time you felt like your spouse was a friend?
We can help you learn more about yourself and your partner and remember the reason you came together in the first place, as well as helping you learn to play together, communicate more effectively and stop sweating the small stuff.
The “Aha” Moments: What Couples Learn in Counseling
One of the magical parts of couples counseling is the “Aha” moment—when one or both partners suddenly see their relationship from a new perspective. Maybe it’s realizing that your partner wasn’t being distant on purpose; they were stressed about work. Or perhaps it’s recognizing that the argument about who takes out the trash isn’t really about the trash at all—it’s about feeling like you’re doing more than your fair share.
These moments of insight often come from learning how to communicate better. A 2017 study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples who improve their communication through counseling tend to see long-lasting improvements in their overall relationship satisfaction (Lebow et al., 2017). So, the skills you learn in therapy don’t just help in the short term—they’re tools you can use for years to come.
Couples Counseling is Relationship Gold
Couples counseling isn’t about pointing fingers or assigning blame. It’s about learning how to navigate life together as a team, even when the road gets bumpy. Whether you’ve hit a rough patch, or you just want to strengthen the bond you already have, couples counseling offers a way to reconnect, communicate, and fall back in sync.
So, if the thought of one more “I’m fine” or “Do whatever you want” makes you want to pull your hair out, it might be time to give counseling a try. You shouldn’t feel alone in your marriage - and you don’t have to; especially not when there’s deep intimate friendship and a lifetime of bids for connection to respond to.
Ready to Dive into Your Marriage?
Sources:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.
Christensen, A., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, B., & Yi, J. (2014). "Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy." Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2017). "Research on the treatment of couple distress." Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
