How The Psychosocial Stages of Development Play a Significant Role in Our Relationships
Our deepest needs and longings from childhood are not romantic ones, but ones that foster a deep and abiding connection. We need it to flourish and thrive. Babies who do not get the connection they need from birth struggle to trust their world and the people in it. The way we are bonded with and connected to as infant carries us throughout our whole lives. This transcends romance: it’s things like being safe in our world, soothed when we’re upset, supported in our struggles and seen for who we are. Erik Erikson suggested that the first stage of development is trust vs. mistrust and it shapes our reality from birth until 18 months (not that it no longer matters after 18 months, but that the first 18 are critical in our formation). Imperative for mental and emotional health is that our core longing for connection is met by our primary caregivers.
Infancy and Childhood
We need to know that more than our physical needs will be met – even as babies. The basics of care would be diaper changing, feeding and sleeping. But just meeting that isn’t enough for lifelong emotional health. We need to be attuned to; to be sung to, held, comforted when we cry, have eye contact and a myriad of other intangible things. This consistent emotional presence will shape how we learn to attach to the world and others in it. Having our needs met inconsistently or in the bare minimum way can lead to anxious or avoidant attachment patterns later in life.
Adolescence
Erikson noted that this stage of development focuses on identity versus role confusion. This is where we learn what our place in the world is, and begin to form more deep emotional connections outside of our parents and family. We begin to get emotional validation from other sources, like teachers and peers. Here we need to belong and be understood and seen for who we are. This stage is where non-romantic bonds become an integral part of our emotional landscape. We learn to take emotional risks, like risking confidences and seeking approval from others. If we do not have safe people to connect to and take risks with as an adolescence, we risk become confused in what our place is in the world and how to relate to others as we age.
Adulthood
Intimacy versus isolation is the stage that adults find themselves in, and Erikson theorized that starts around age 18 and lasts until age 40! This is the stage of the game that adults begin to focus on forming meaningful intimate relationships, often romantic, that carry them through the rest of their lives. This stage however does not focus just on romantic relationships but also on work friends, community, and friendships. These adult relationships, if healthy, can become safe base for us and help us foster security in our lives. These are the people you call when you have a flat tire, when your parents get sick or when a dating relationship falls apart. These relationships, if successful, carry you into a secure sense of self and develop intimacy with others (even if it’s not a romantic partner! You can be a securely attached single if you have these healthy and intimate bonds)
Older Adulthood
This stage, is the last stage, integrity versus despair. This final stage is when older adults, around 65 and up, reflect back on their lives. They want people who can bear witness to their stories, their lives and their legacies. They need to feel safe in order to move into a place of integrity. This is why intimacy and trust and connection are imperative before this final stage is reached – this stage has the strongest pull for desiring these connections. Hopefully, this adult can look back on their life with a feeling of integrity, a life well-lived, deep meaningful connections with a spouse, friends, children, caregivers. Yet sometimes, sadly, they look back with feelings of despair on the missed opportunities and lack of connections in their lives.
No Need to Despair!
Attachment theory reminds us that we need connection from birth until death. We are wired for it, it’s the deepest longing of our hearts. Non-romantic relationships are not luxuries, but key components of healthy living and are central to our well-being emotionally. If you feel stuck in a stage and unable to reach out for connection with others, including your partner, let one of our therapists help you work through past hurts and wounds through Couples Therapy in Colorado Springs so that you can live a life of integrity and freedom.
