Reparenting Yourself Through IFS Therapy

It’s an unfortunate reality that many of us didn’t get the parenting we desired when we were little. It’s not that our parents were bad or didn’t care - likely they did the best they could with the tools they had. But when our needs consistently went unmet as children, parts of ourselves emerged to help take care of us. And sometimes those parts were themselves little and maybe didn’t do the best job. This is where Internal Family Systems Therapy can be a valuable tool for reparenting. The process whereby we learn to parent various parts of ourselves and help integrate and live in true self. The Process of Change in IFS therapy.

In psychological therapy, change is often categorized into different levels. When you’re struggling with an external problem, like a rocky relationship, your first instinct might be to make a “first-level change”—breaking up or trying to alter the relationship. But here’s the thing: while tweaking your environment can help, it’s not always the most effective path to personal growth.

That’s where “second-level change” comes in. This approach digs deeper, encouraging you to examine your life’s underlying rules. In Internal Family Systems Therapy, these rules are your “parts”—the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that shape your responses to the world.

Our Internal Children

IFS Therapy helps us get to know our inner world - including exiled parts of us, usually younger parts who carry sadness, hurt, fear, shame or anger. Some of these parts may look like:

• Sadness that overtakes the self with grief

• Anxiety speaking to us when we feel overwhelmed

• An inner critic who makes us feel shamed and unworthy

• A part that shuts down and has a hard time when conflict or negative emotions arise

Reparenting would mean slowing down and listening to those parts, instead of trying to shut them down and make them take a backseat. Maybe next time that critic shows up, you can ask it “why do you feel critical of me today?” You may be surprised by the answer. You may also be surprised by how happy that part is that you checked in with it! The goal is to connect more deeply with the self and our emotions (parts) to become more integrated and less at odds with our feelings and parts.

Safety

We need to protect our parts, much like we would protect our children. We developed tools to help us survive, and they were valuable in the moment, but may not be anymore. In fact, usually those things that emerge end up becoming less and less helpful as we go through life. Being a people pleaser probably helped us from feeling rejected or sad. Anger may protect feelings like sad, hurt or afraid. We learned to shut down instead of feeling the pain because maybe it was safer, less vulnerable and we could survive that way. Reparenting through Internal Family Systems Therapy looks like allowing these parts to feel safe - they can let go of these roles and find harmony and balance. We become who we were made to be instead of the compromised version of self that came to exist through being wounded; often times over and over again.

True Self

IFS Therapy teaches that every person has a ‘true self,’ the person that emerges when the parts and your inner world are at peace. An IFS Therapist can help you learn how true self can show up, with calmness, compassion for self and others, clarity around situations and people, curious about your world instead of critical or judgmental. The goal of Internal Family Systems Therapy and reparenting is to allow true self to take the driver's seat and learn how to engage with warmth, humility and understanding around their parts. 

A Lifelong Process

Checking in with our parts and learning more about them is not a one time experience. We must consistently show up and check in with them in order to grow. Gentle check-ins and working with an Internal Family Systems Therapist can help you make tremendous progress on your goals towards integration and healing. If you want to learn more about how IFS Therapy in Colorado Springs can help, click below to set up a free consultation with an IFS Therapist today!