The Big “C” That Can Destroy Your Marriage
Most people would assume it’s communication – or lack thereof, but actually, researchers John and Julie Gottman found that contempt was the most destructive force in a marriage. They found that this trait in marriages was the most toxic and the biggest predictor of impending divorce.
What is contempt? It’s a way of communicating that conveys disgust, disrespect or an air of superiority. Simply put, the person who is displaying contempt towards their partner may engage in sarcasm, hostile humor, name calling, eye-rolling or being dismissive. It conveys a deeper level of judgment and makes the receiver feel rejected emotional. The main point contempt tries to get across is: “I know better than you, and you are beneath me.”
The Destructive Nature of Contempt
Contempt destroys all it touches – contempt is antithetical to love and respect because it implies that the receiver is by nature beneath the sender. When contempt shows up, it indicates that the couple is disconnected emotionally, as emotional connection necessarily breeds empathy and warmth between the couple. Shame is free to enter when one spouse is full of contempt, and can trigger defensiveness and a lack of emotional safety.
When contempt is given free reign in a couple’s marriage, they start to see each other as adversaries, instead of friends and partners. As contempt grows bigger and bigger, the conflict becomes more toxic and harder to repair. But this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed if you see contempt present. A marriage counselor can help you learn how to enter into more healthy patterns of communication and conflict resolution.
The Origins of Contempt
A marriage counselor will help you and your spouse understand where contempt came from in your relationship. Contempt is a slow burn; it doesn’t appear overnight. Typically, resentment that hasn’t been resolved, bids for connection that have been rejected and continued lack of intimacy and emotional disconnection over time lead to this horseman appearing. Contempt can be a protective measure for the spouse, because they feel powerless or disappointment. They learned that contempt can make them feel powerful and in control. Contempt can also be a learned behavior – did your spouse’s parents or a boss or a previous relationship treat them with contempt? As you work with your couple’s counselor, you can start to identify the root causes of contempt in your marriage.
How Couple’s Therapy Can Help
What can a marriage counselor do for you? Using Gottman methods or IFS, a marriage therapist can help a couple identify when contempt is rearing its ugly head. Sometimes the person using contempt may not even be aware they’re doing it – especially if they learned it from someone else. They can also help both partners understand what’s beneath the contempt and what’s fueling it – what is the emotion behind the action? Are they sad, hurt or afraid?
The antidote to contempt, according to the Gottmans is cultivating a culture of appreciation and respect. A marriage counselor can help you actively focus on the positive qualities you see in your spouse and learn to express gratitude towards them. It’s a subtle shift, but can take you from a space of negativity and blame to admiration and fondness. Remembering why you are together in the first place and what drew you to one another.
Repairing the Rift
A marriage counselor may suggest exercises such as sharing one thing every day you appreciate about your spouse. With genuine kindness, tell them something you noticed and were thankful for. They may also challenge you to notice your tone of voice and instead of using mockery or disdain, take a deep breath and ask yourself “what does this part need right now?” Repairing the rift of contempt requires vulnerability and self- awareness. Approaching your partner through the lens of “I’m overwhelmed and need help” is a helpful shift from “wow you never help me.”
Contempt is toxic, but it doesn’t have to stay. It is poisonous for connection, but by working with a marriage counselor, you can recognize the behavior, stop the patterns and build a deeper and more intimate relationship. Therapy doesn’t bring blame, but change. If you’re ready to rid your relationship of contempt and move into a space of vulnerability, reach out to work with one of our skilled marriage counselors today by contacting us or scheduling with one of the buttons below.
