The Four Biggest Predictors of Divorce

Doctors John and Julie Gottman are a married couple and psychologists known for their work specializing in couples and relationships. They have written several books and pioneered much of the couples’ work clinicians engage in today.

You may have heard of the Four Horsemen, but these are not the Biblical ones you may know. The Gottman’s identified that these communication habits can predict trouble if they are left unchecked to run rampant in your relationship. Not only do they identify these four warning signs, but they also provide an antidote. Let’s learn a little bit more about each one.

Criticism

This horseman attacks your partner’s character and is constantly finding reasons to be dissatisfied, instead of using nuance to address specific concerns. The terms “you never” or “you always” may be an indicator of criticism present in your marriage. You may find yourself saying “you never help around the house” or “you always nag me.”
The antidote to criticism is called the Gentle Start-Up. For example, saying, “I feel overwhelmed by the chores and would love some help” or “I feel like you tear me down when you point out my flaws”. These are good starting points for fostering conversation instead of continuing the criticism cycle.

Defensiveness

When we refuse to own our behavior or listen with an open mind, it’s easy to fall into defensiveness. This may look like “I didn’t use a harsh tone with you” or “well, you deserved it.” The antidote to becoming defensive is to take responsibility. I know, that may be hard after years of patterns of behavior, but responsibility taking is key in repairing rifts in a marriage. Sometimes this looks like coming back later on and admitting your part or flaw. Taking responsibility requires an amount of humility, which can be hard to cultivate, but a couple’s therapist who is skilled can slowly help you build those skills. Then the conversation can shift to “I’m sorry I snapped at you” or “I was angry at you but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” These small shifts in dialogue can pave the way for intimacy to flourish yet again in relationship.

Stonewalling

Sorry men, but you are the usual culprits of stonewalling, aka, shutting down (a whopping 85% of stonewallers are men). Not that women don’t do it as well, but studies show that men are faster to shut down and that it takes less for a man to get flooded than a woman (Gottman, 1999). This looks like retreating, physically, or just shutting down emotionally. The stonewaller may physically turn their body away, leave the room, or get a blank look in their eyes, turn to their phone or turn on the TV. They are physiologically flooded and cannot make contact anymore. What is this antidote? Self-soothing techniques. Taking a break is a good idea; the person can leave the room, practice some deep breathing or try to change the subject to something more neutral. I add the caveat that the stonewaller, in order to prevent further damage in the moment should try as hard as they can to communicate with their partner that they are overwhelmed, need to calm down and will return to this topic when they are able. This respectfully communicates to their spouse that they are making an effort to engage but cannot discuss the topic at hand currently.

Contempt

The most damaging of the 4 horsemen; this includes eye-rolling, sarcasm, rude name calling or treating the partner with disdain. Constantly exhibiting this behavior erodes the trust and sanctity of the relationship and presents a disunited front. This one may be a harder one to change, but by expressing appreciation regularly for small things can help antidote the contempt. Saying things like “I love how fun you are with the kids” or “thanks for making my favorite meal” can help prevent disdain from taking over.

What’s Next:

Maybe you recognize one or even all 4 of these horsemen in your marriage and may feel discouraged or overwhelmed. But at Alpine Family Counseling, we can help you in your marriage through Couples Therapy in Colorado Springs. We help you cultivate practical tools for healthy communication, understanding your partner better, creating emotional safety and remembering why you’re together in the first place! Ready to start? Contact us here for a free consultation!