How Criticism in Marriage Undermines Love

Have you found yourself or your spouse using phrases like “you never listen” or “you always forget”? Two of the most toxic phrases in a relationship “you never” and “you always” because these critical words undermine your warmth and love in marriage. John and Julie Gottman posit that there are four “horsemen” of the apocalypse that can rear their ugly heads in marriage, and when they do, spouses would be wise to pay attention in order that these horsemen not decimate a marriage.

The horsemen are: contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism. While the horsemen are toxic to a marriage and destroy love, a marriage counselor can help those who are stuck in this cycle come to see their patterns through the lens of Gottman Therapy informed techniques or EFT therapy.

Criticism vs. Complaints

Criticism assumes the worst in your spouse by attacking not their actions or constructively pointing out behavior that is frustrating, but attacking their character, who they are as a person. Criticism is toxic because it destroys the closeness and connection you have built with your spouse. Instead of coming to a place of understanding or compromise, it lays blame squarely at their feet. It prevents you from looking at where you may be at fault. Criticism looks like: “you didn’t take out the trash – you’re so lazy!” but a complaint looks like “I’m frustrated because I asked if you would take out the trash and it didn’t happen.”

The difference here may look subtle, but it’s not – criticism tells your spouse that they are the problem and that you are willing to tear them down for a mistake. Complaints invite your spouse into problem solving with you – and communicates that you are still on their team! It can be a struggle to shift from criticism to constructive complaining, and this is where a skilled marriage counselor can help spouses who are stuck in these cycles and may feel hopeless to resolve the conflict.

Why Criticism is Toxic

Criticism creates shame and defensiveness in your partner. Your spouse is left constantly feeling as though they are the problem – they can never do anything right. And this eventually opens the door to other horsemen entering. When a partner is constantly criticized, they eventually start to stonewall, or shut down and shut you out, or they may lash out in defensiveness, because they feel the need to constantly show you that while they make mistakes, they are not the problem.

All of this, unsurprisingly creates disconnection and emotional distance in a marriage. Instead of being the one you vowed to love forever, your partner starts to feel like an adversary. The environment becomes unsafe and unstable for everyone.

How Marriage Counseling Helps Break the Cycle

A skilled marriage counselor can help spouses slow down when they talk to one another. Slowing down helps negate some reactions, as it gives each person time to think before they speak. Being able to slow down makes room for each partner to name the emotions they are feeling underneath the criticism. Being critical is an easy fruit for which to reach, while naming the underlying feelings takes time and work.

When a marriage counselor helps each person name their feelings, it opens the door for vulnerability and connection. Being able to say “I didn’t feel heard growing up, so when I asked you to take out the garbage and it didn’t happen I felt like a child again and that was painful for me.” Now your spouse has the opportunity to help you reparent your younger self, and once again you become a team, not adversaries. Empathy and healthy communication are tools that a couple’s counselor can help you develop together.

Criticism Becomes Connection

Remember those toxic phrases, “you never” and “you always”? The antidote, according to Gottman is to use a gentle start up with your spouse. They use the following formula: “I feel” + “about what” + “I need”. Instead of “you’re an idiot, you left the window open when we went out” you can say “I felt unsafe that you left the window open while we were out. How can we make sure we lock up before we leave?”
A marriage counselor will help you structure these phrases and help you stop the fighting and cycle. They can help you pause before you speak and critical thoughts roll off your tongue. Early intervention in marriage matters, so don’t put off going to couple’s therapy. If one of the horsemen shows up, intervene quickly before resentment and unmet expectations build and cause chaos in your marriage.
If you’re ready to learn more about Gottman Therapy informed marriage counseling in Colorado Springs, click one of the links below.