How IFS Therapy Can Help You Pause and Connect With Yourself

I had had it. I sat at the top of the stairs, while my toddler threw toys down them and my baby pulled up on me and I started sobbing. It was the tenth time that day my toddler had either thrown a toy at her sister, or hit her, kicked her or otherwise tried to “torture” her. The joys of managing two children who are 18 months apart. I didn’t know why, but I felt so angry – it just bubbled over and I wanted to scream. I wanted to get into bed, shirk my duties and just sleep. I felt like a pressure cooker about to blow up.

My life is insane – and I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Between working as an IFS therapist, running a business, parenting two small children, being pregnant with #3 and all the other daily tasks, like errands, grocery shopping, cleaning the house and meal prep, I don’t have much time to pause and listen to my parts. And when I’m having a meltdown (or one of my kids is – no, it’s probably me!) it’s even harder to tune in to what’s going on inside.
I know in that moment on my stairs, my parts were trying to communicate with me, but instead of giving them space and listening to them, I let anger take over and that firefighter part came on like a sobbing, blubbering mess.

If using Internal Family Systems as a therapist has taught me anything, it’s that each part has a voice, emotion and role to play and when life gets loud, the parts get overwhelmed and run to safety  - making room for the firefighters to emerge out of habit. But part of emotional health means slowing down, and making time for these parts throughout the week.

Why Are We Rushing?

Why do I feel frazzled, overwhelmed, over-stimulated, empathy fatigued or “touched-out”? What is my fear? What would happen if I slowed down and stayed present in this moment? Would I be able to handle who I am and how I’m showing up in this moment? Using activities or motion to silence those parts of me just allows them to become louder, leading to the aforementioned meltdowns. Get curious while you’re doing something small, like brushing your teeth (don’t scroll, take those 2 minutes to sit with yourself). Why am I rushing? What’s the ‘next thing’ I’m trying to do and why? How can I slow down right now and just breathe

Speaking of Breathing

This isn’t like yogic breathing or using breath as a way to solve all your problems, but is instead allowing tiny windows of space to ask yourself “what is coming up for me right now?” The meltdown I had on the stairs was a part trying to communicate with me. The part was overstimulated and wanted me to acknowledge how hard that day had been. There was also a part that felt like a failure because I’m an IFS therapist and a former nanny and for crying out loud, I should know better how to manage my toddler.  I also had a critical part who told me I should be parenting better, as well as a sad part who was bummed I didn’t get to finish my snack before all the chaos broke loose. Instead of listening to them, I just let anger erupt and snapped. I think if I had taken the time to listen, I could have shown empathy to my sad / hungry part, asked the critical part if it could step back for a moment and allow me to parent the best way I knew how and the failure part to empathize with me. How can we take time to give our parts “breath” throughout the day?

Reminders

Set a timer on your phone throughout the day, with little encouragements like “Self is doing a great job showing up today” or “Have you checked in with your parts today?” or “Take 30 seconds and just notice what comes up”. These little reminders throughout the day can help prevent us from becoming flooded!

Celebrate Self!

When you have moments of compassion for yourself or others, when you’re curious about your internal world or have genuine moments of curiosity for others, self is emerging. When you find yourself being creative, or have a moment of clarity during a hard moment, celebrate yourself! Allowing Self more moments to lead your system will lead to more integration and less overwhelm.

IFS therapy is not a passive process – it requires intentionality and care for the system. We must not neglect our parts, but connect with them in meaningful ways. Even the parts that make us feel “frazzled” and “rushed” are trying to tell us something. Try to slow down and listen! They love you for it.

If you’re ready to start this process and don’t know where to begin, reach out for a free consultation for IFS Therapy in Colorado Springs today.