How to Make Peace With Your Anger Through IFS Therapy
Have you ever felt like your anger is bad – that perhaps it’s scary or unacceptable? That the people around you recoil from you when you’re angry? Anger can feel scary and overwhelming. It can also feel powerful and satisfying, depending on who you are. But most people tend to vilify anger and retreat from that emotion.
However, in Internal Family Systems therapy, anger is not seen as “bad” or the “enemy” but merely a part of you that wants to protect you. And like a child, anger is often clumsy and not very good at its job. An IFS therapist will help you get to know the part better and learn how you can embrace it instead of letting run amok inside of you.
Anger as a Part
How does an IFS therapist view anger? As a part of you, not the entirety of you. We all have parts, and anger is one of them. Most people have this part, and it serves as a strong protector. The protector wants to step in and stop you from feeling out of control, or hurt, shamed or fear. This part often wants you to feel powerful. Anger can be eruptive when it feels like the self is in danger.
The Internal Family Systems therapist will help you reframe the narrative from “I’m an angry person” to “I have an angry part, and It’s trying to tell me something. What is the part trying to protect? Often, there are younger, vulnerable emotions that may expose a deep wound – this could look like sadness or rejection. For example, when someone cuts you off in traffic, anger may be the primary emotion you experience, but if you take a moment to connect with that part, you may discover you are afraid – perhaps afraid of getting into an accident or remembering a wreck from the past.
How IFS Therapy Can Help
Internal Family Systems therapy can be powerful because the therapist can help you engage in curiosity with the part – you can learn to ask it questions, like “what is the part afraid of?” or “what would happen if this part didn’t step in and get angry?” When a skilled IFS therapist works with you on this part, you can develop self-leadership, which allows you to understand the part and engage from a place of calmness, compassion and curiosity. When the angry part learns that it is safe, it can begin to face the pain from a place of strength and go from feeling out-of-control to being a helpful signal. You can begin to recognize that anger is pointing to something deeper – it’s a sign post, not your entire personality.
You Need to Calm Down
“You need to calm down” is an unhelpful expression that some may send your way when you are feeling angry. But calming down without understanding the anger may feel impossible and that statement can be dismissive and harmful. IFS therapy isn’t about learning to “calm down” or “taking deep breaths” but really connecting with and healing those tender parts of yourself.
Internal Family Systems Therapy comes through the lens of understanding the story your anger holds and allowing that part to unburden itself in therapy. Over time, anger can learn to shift roles and become an assertive protector instead of a reactive or explosive part. As you work with a therapist and navigate your internal world, you can help this part find safety, build resiliency and come to appreciate the role it has in your life and in your family system. The result is learning to respond, set healthy boundaries, and stay connected to yourself and others when things get hard.
Anger may feel overwhelming, or may make you feel “bad” but there are no bad parts. It is just working overtime to get your attention and protect you. When you slow down and learn more about its story and yourself, you can truly lead from a place of self-compassion and empathy.
Do you need help working through anger or other overwhelming emotions? If so, reach out by clicking one of the buttons below to find out more about IFS Therapy in Colorado Springs today.
