Reparenting Your Younger Self with Internal Family Systems Therapy
We all carry around little parts of ourselves – these parts are typically young and vulnerable. And sometimes they behave like little children; temper tantrums, feeling rejected, screaming, feeling unseen, sad or lonely. Maybe your young child is shy and hesitates to speak up, or maybe they’re the bullied kid who feels inadequate.
In Internal Family Systems therapy, these parts are called exiles, or wounded parts that we carry with us. If left unhealed, we often operate out of these exiles and don’t know why. But here’s the good news: your younger self isn’t broken or inadequate. These parts are survivors and they hold stories and desire to feel safe, connected, nurtured and seen. IFS therapy can be an integral part of healing these “children”
Understand Your Inner Child
An Internal Family Systems therapist will help you understand that we are comprised of many parts. Some of these parts protect us and others manage our day to day. Other parts are wounded – these exiles carry the deep wounding we have received in our life. Oftentimes we find that these parts are around age 8 and they often carry a memory of a painful experience. This can be rejection, failure, criticism, abuse, etc. When the exiles feel touched upon, even once we’re adults, we can find ourselves having emotional reactions that feel “out of proportion” to the situation at hand. This does not mean that your inner child is a nuisance or problem that needs to go away. This is a part of you begging for attention, care and love. Recognizing what your exiles are a first step towards healing through an IFS lens.
Why We Struggle to Love our Exiles
Most of us grew up in environments where our needs were not fully met. Hopefully we had shelter, food and basic care. But when it came to emotions, we were overwhelming met with criticism, rejection, stuffing, being ignored or told to “just get over it” or “that’s just the way it is.” Over time, other parts of self emerged to try and protect the vulnerable parts. For example, the firefighter emerges with anger – the anger protects that exiled part.
Loving our younger selves often feels uncomfortable or awkward because it was never modeled for us. Additionally, the protectors don’t feel safe opening the door to the exile, because it has learned that it’s too painful to go there and the end result will be painful. Internal Family Systems recognizes that bypassing the protectors is not effective or healthy. The goal instead is to work with these parts so they trust you and will allow you to care for your inner child.
Reparenting with IFS Therapy
An Internal Family Systems therapist will help you learn how give your younger parts what they didn’t get but desperately needed when they were younger. They may need validation, compassion, safety. IFS therapy can help you do that in several ways. First, identifying the child by noticing your reactions to things. Is this an old wound resurfacing in a present context? Next, you’ll learn more about “self” who is who you really are when the wounded parts and the protectors are at peace. Self is calm, compassionate, curious and capable of leading your internal system.
Your IFS therapist will also help you offer comfort and understanding to your younger self. You may say something like “I see you were afraid. I’m so sorry. I’m here for you now.” You will also invite dialogue with your parts to see what they need in order to heal. You can have daily check-ins with these parts and come to understand more of their story and their journey. As you do this you will come to appreciate your protectors and the role they’ve played in your system as well.
Transformation is Possible
Working with an Internal Family Systems therapist can help make the process safer and more effective, especially if you have strong protector parts or an exile that carries deep trauma. With guidance, your younger self can experience love and healing and your parts become less overwhelming and intimidating.
Your younger self is not a bother or a problem. It is a tender piece of you and your story and is inviting you to connect with it. Internal Family System therapy offers a framework to safely reconnect, nurture and come to love your younger self while being more grounded in the present. To work with one of our IFS therapists in Colorado Springs, reach out below.
