The Three Primary Emotions Couples Should be Communicating in Their Relationship
Vulnerable emotional expression in relationship is paramount to the success of a relationship. Often times couples will express emotions, but they will do it in such a way that falls under the four horseman based on Gottman Therapy. Those are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These can be categorized as active vs passive responses. Essentially boiled down, these are responses to perceived emotional threat, which the body reacts to with fighting or fixing (active) or freezing or feeling (passive).
These reactive based responses lead toward disconnection instead of connection in a relationship. They can be triggering and at the very least, difficult to connect with. How a couple communicates is the mark of a successful relationship. Boiled down, the three primary emotions that couples should use as a benchmark to communicate their feelings in an accessible, relatable way are sad, hurt, and afraid.
Why Sadness Matters
Sadness is signaling loss, longing or disconnection. You can distill the idea of sadness to grief and grief unprocessed is a weight that drags you to down emotionally. Over time this can be synonymous with depression which is essentially sadness over an extended period of time.
When a person is sad or grieving, we desire to be in community and comforted. Yet, if we’ve been sad in the past and not received that and do not know how to process our sadness it can come across as anger or shutting down depending on the person. When we express sadness to our partner, it is what Gottman Therapy call a “bid for connection” and offers comfort and empathy from the person who is supposed to be
Sadness helps couples understand their emotional world and engage deeper into truly knowing one another. Human beings grieve and process loss in relationship. Engaging with the emotion of sadness together in relationship not only helps partners process their sadness which prevent depression, but also deepens emotional connection between the couple and allows one partner to care for the other which can also in turn make them feel important in the relationship.
Why Hurt Needs to be Voiced
Hurt can be labeled as a response to an emotional injury such as feeling dismissed, rejected, abandoned, or criticized. Again, more relationship killers according to Gottman Therapy. Unprocessed feelings of hurt fester beneath the surface and can lead to feelings of guardedness and resentment. Both of these feelings lead to a wall being built up and a feeling of being alone or disconnected.
The challenge with naming hurt is that it can make the person who hurt the hurt person feel defensive. There can be fear in naming the hurt based on how it’s been reacted to in the past. To further, the person who did the hurting might not even understand it and if there’s no curiosity to learn more, this can be met with contempt which Gottman Couples Therapy says is a relationship killer. When a partner communicates hurt to their other half, it is very important for the partner to slow down, listen, be curious and compassionate. Defensiveness will only make the hurt worse.
Another important thing to note is that sometimes there are multiple layers of hurt. The hurt person may feel hurt and want to communicate their hurt to the other. Then in turn, the person feels hurt as well. This can lead to a cyclical process of hurt people hurting people. Again, this is why it’s so important to slow down and really try to listen to what the other person is saying, not jump to conclusions or get defensive. This is the only way to resolve hurt and a couples therapist can help facilitate this process if you can’t do it on your own.
Why Fear if Foundational
In relationships, fear is often linked to criticism, abandonment, rejection, or feelings of not feeling good enough. This is usually the most common emotion and can be seen oftentimes along with sad and hurt if there’s been a lack of receptivity in the past to vulnerable communication.
Expressing fear opens the door to deeper emotional intimacy with one another because it brings visibility. Visibility is so important because if we don’t fully understand something, such as someone’s fear, it doesn’t make sense to us and can definitely lead toward contempt.
Fear can show up as anger or control but it can also show up as retreating or shutting down. All of us experience fear and sometimes we don’t even realize it because it can be so deeply rooted. Fear is a part of who we are and it oftentimes serves to protect us. However, in relationship it must be understood. If an attempt to get rid of the fear is made, that can backfire. So, we must be patient, understanding, and compassionate with fear, because that is the only way it is alleviated. This is where couples therapy can help you get a second set of eyes and help you understand what is happening beneath the surface.
What to Do Next
If you struggle to know what you’re feeling or how to communicate it in a way that will be received well, you’re not alone. Vulnerable communication is a specific skill and not all of us were given a great foundation on how to do it well. Our couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate feelings of sad, hurt, and afraid together in a patient, curious environment. Reach out for a couples therapy Colorado Springs consultation today by clicking the link below or scheduling a free consultation today.
