Beating the 70% Odds
Having a baby is one of the most amazing and emotionally taxing experiences a couple can share. Having a tiny human who looks like you and is also 100% reliant on you for every need is exhausting, overwhelming and can bring about other challenges such as postpartum depression, anxiety or even rage. According to Doctors John and Julie Gottman, 70% of couples report a steep decline in relationship satisfaction after having a baby! Additionally, only 18% of couples report feeling closer and more connected after a baby.
Feeling disconnected from your spouse or even angry, resentful or regretful towards them is normal. But that doesn’t make it pleasant, nor does it make it hopeless. This shift doesn’t mean your marriage is broken but that your system needs a reboot. There isn’t a need to despair, in fact, despite the craziness of a new baby, now may be the best time to seek a good couples therapist to help you reconnect and find your footing once again.
Why are the Numbers so High?
The Gottman’s found that after a baby, most couples experience more conflict, more stress and less connection, often due to factors like sleep deprivation, a shift in the roles (i.e, one partner feels overburdened by parenting, another feels left out), less time for emotional and physical intimacy, grief over the loss of their prior lifestyles and unspoken expectations around the new roles each partner will take.
Most couples are not prepared for the seismic shift in their relationship after a baby. You have both changed and stretched, but while physically these changes have occurred, oftentimes you haven’t had time to catch up emotionally. This explains the fights, bickering, stressful sighs and annoyances over little things. Couples counseling can help you both slow down, despite the busyness of the season and come together to set new goals and connect and find intimacy.
The Antidote
Turning towards each other instead of away from one another was the antidote the Gottmans found to this dilemma. Intentional connection may be another way to word that statement; choosing small, daily ways to turn towards one another instead of drawing your swords towards each other. This could look like hugging each other every day, even if just for a few seconds. Saying “thank you” to your spouse for small things, like changing a diaper, bringing a glass of water or taking the baby so one partner can nap or take a bath.
These moments of gratitude add up and encourage your partner to keep doing these things. Take the time to check in emotionally. Don’t just ask about upcoming pediatrician appointments or starting baby on solid foods. Ask your partner deeper questions about how they’re managing, what feels hard and how they can have perspective in the moment. Humor can also be an antidote; making a joke about the baby spitting up on dad for the 10th time that day (hour) instead of getting frustrated that another shirt is ruined. Levity goes a long way during the stressful early years of parenting together. Connection doesn’t always have to be grand gestures, like date nights, flowers or evenings away. It’s small, micro-moments that build trust and emotional intimacy. They communicate “I see you and I care about you.”
Using Couples Therapy to Reconnect
A couples therapist can help you recognize the deeper emotions beneath the conflict. Perhaps one partner has been feeling overlooked or undervalued for a while; parenting just brings that to the surface. The couples therapist can help you learn how to rebuild emotional safety with one another as well as empathize with each other. You’ve both been through a monumentally life changing experience and let’s be honest, no invested parent has it easy. It can be tempting to see your spouse as having it “easier” but that invites shame and conflict instead of understanding. The therapist can also help the couple slow down, reflect and build tools for connecting amidst the chaos. They will also help you find a new normal and realize that you don’t have to go back to the way things were in order to have a good, healthy and connected relationship moving forward. You will move forward stronger and wiser with the shared goal of raising tiny humans.
A baby changes everything, including your relationship, but that doesn’t mean love and intimacy have to go out the window. The Gottman’s aren’t preaching doom and gloom, but raising a yellow flag – pay attention. This will be hard, but it doesn’t mean you’re doomed! With intentionality, humor and a little help from friends, family and a couples therapist you can have a stronger relationship with more wisdom and depth than before.
If you need help with your marriage during the season of little children, or perhaps your children are out of the house, feel free to reach out below to work with one our couples therapists.
