How Attachment Theory and Safe Base Play a Vital Role in Couples Therapy
How Safe Base Forms
Safe base was coined by the attachment theorist, John Bowlby, who researched how children thrive within their environment. He discovered that when children have a primary caregiver who provides security and also encourages independence, children can form deep, trusting relationships.
Having a strong sense of security within ourselves is often formed through this safe base developed in childhood. We often see this play out with toddlers. They may be playing happily across the room, then turn their head to their attachment figure, smile, wave or even crawl over for a hug. Once the caregiver has engaged with them, safe base has been established and the child feels free to venture out into the world again. If the child is ignored or met with consternation, they learn that their world is not a safe place, which shakes their confidence and their ability to trust others.
Attachment Theory
Emotional attunement and presence is a key component of forming these healthy attachments within a child. Offering comfort when the child is scared or hurt, taking time to understand their emotions, having healthy boundaries, showing up consistently and allowing safe space for risk-taking are all key components of helping a child develop a sense of safe base.
But what if we didn’t get this as a child? Many people report that their parents did not provide safe base for them, and they have a hard time trusting themselves and the world around them, as well as others.
Safe base and secure attachment can still be created long after childhood, but it takes deep intentionality and safe relationships with healthy others. This is where a couple’s therapist can help tremendously with strengthening relationships. Many people report that they are able to heal attachment wounds through healthy romantic relationships. Creating patterns of trusting behavior consistently can allow those wounds to heal.
Find Safe Base as an Adult
Close friends, mentors and romantic partners can help heal these attachment wounds, thus becoming a safe base for us. Here are some tips for finding safe base as an adult:
Find Safe People: Who are the relationships in your life that consistently show up for you, support you, allow you to feel heard and valued? If someone belittles you or dismisses you, or creates shame, they won’t be a safe person for you.
Vulnerability: A scary but necessary step in establishing safe base. This can look like sharing small pieces of information and seeing how the person reacts or responds to it. Do they meet you with empathy and kindness? Do they foster a sense of validation in you? Being judged or ignored means this person is not a potential safe base.
Rewrite Your Narrative: If you grew up believing no one was safe, it will take some time and work, and seeing a skilled couple’s counselor can help with the internal dialogue. It is imperative that you learn that healthy relationships are not an enemy, but in fact a necessity of life. It is not weak to desire others or seek our safety with others.
Be a Safe Base: Showing up as the person you want to show up for you can be imperative in finding others who are safe. If you can be safe base for others, it will be easier to find safe base for yourself.
Why This Matters:
The power that safe base creates is unmatched. It allows you take on the world, with risks and vulnerability, knowing you have someone to return to who will help you. Safe base allows us to trust more easily, handle conflict with our spouse in a healthier, more effective way, and allows us to be more comfortable with intimacy in relationships. We can also recover from stress more easily, because we have people to confide in who will empathize with us.
If you are ready to take the first steps to having safe base in your relationships and being safe base for your spouse and your children, let one of our couples’ therapists work with you through Couples Therapy in Colorado Springs. We can help provide some of the foundation of safe base as you work through attachment and come to a place of security and thriving.
