How Couples Therapy Can Help Build Empathy
Empathy, a common buzz word these days, but what does it actually mean and what does it look like in your relationship? Empathy is not, first of all, just being “nice.” Empathy requires true understanding of what the other person is sharing and experiencing emotionally. Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the other person and trying to really understand from their perspective.
Empathy in a relationship creates trust, intimacy and connection. Without empathy, partners may feel alone, abandoned, misunderstood and eventually shut down or turn to unhealthy coping patterns. A couples therapist can help, however, if you find yourself in a cycle of not being able to express empathy towards your partner. Empathy is a skill that can be built, not just a personality trait. Couples therapy can help strengthen that muscle and lead towards deeper connection in your relationship.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
Empathy means turning into, pressing into your partner’s feelings and trying to see and understand their perspective. Sympathy is “sorry” or feeling badly for someone, but not truly trying to walk a mile in the shoes of the other person. Empathy is also not the same as problem solving. When your partner comes to you looking for empathy, they don’t want you to fix the problem, but to listen and hold space. Empathy communicates to your spouse; “I see you and I’m with you in this moment.” Empathy does not leave any room for judgment or defensiveness and requires active listening. A couples therapist may help you learn the tools of empathy by practicing active listening skills in session.
Why Empathy Matters
The reason this skill is important to cultivate in a relationship is because it allows for security in vulnerability. A partner can feel confident in sharing deep parts of themselves, because they will be met with emotional safety, someone who is listening for deeper messages and themes and it reduces loneliness, isolation and may even reduce conflict. Oftentimes empathy gets blocked because the partner can be focused on defensiveness instead of open listening. Other times, the partner may be overwhelmed by the emotions coming their way, especially if they grew up in a family where emotions were dismissed, criticized or unwelcomed. We can also find ourselves distracted by our phones, the kids, stress or even multitasking. That takes us away from being truly present and able to empathize and connect. Missing the mark on empathy thus far doesn’t mean you’re a bad spouse or that you don’t care, but it may mean you need better tools. That’s where couples therapy can be beneficial to fine tune these skills.
The “How To”
The first step in empathy building would be to reach out to a couples therapist. They can help you by offering a safe, structured environment in which to practice listening and understanding one another. Therapists help couples slow down, so instead of turning to heated arguments, they can actually listen to what their partner is saying.
A couples therapist will help clients reflect back what they’re hearing; “so you’re saying you feel sad when I shut down?” and by pressing into that space, it’s less likely to be a fight. Instead, the spouse can validate the emotions; “I’m sorry you feel sad when I do that. I’m not trying to shut you out, I just need some space to process.” They may use tools like Gottman, IFS or EFT to help partners who are stuck move from defensiveness into curiosity. In couples therapy, there may even be some role-play, where partners switch seats and experience empathy in real time.
Tips for Practicing at Home
Of course, couples therapy is one hour a week, and you and your partner are together all the time. So during the week, you can practice some of the following to cultivate empathy:
Active listening: make time to put down your distractions and give full attention to your partner
Be curious: ask “what did that feel like for you?”
Reflect and validate: summarize and acknowledge the feelings you heard
Emotional Check-Ins: go beyond asking “how was your day?” and focus on “what was the best part of your day?” or “what came up for you when your boss yelled at you?”
Self-awareness: notice when your parts get in the way of empathy. Remember, don’t dismiss your spouse’s experience, but instead help your parts connect with theirs.
Empathy is a bridge that helps connect couples and turns “me and you” into “us.” Empathy is a valuable skill that can be used with not just your partner but with your children, friends and co-workers. If you want to learn more about how a Alpine Family Counseling can help you or your partner with empathy, reach out for couples therapy in Colorado Springs, reach out below.
