Untangling Mom Guilt with Internal Family Systems Therapy
It doesn’t matter if you’re packing a bag to go to the gym, throwing your laptop in your purse for a work day, or packing a suitcase for a weekend away, it’s inevitable that the mom guilt will creep up out of nowhere, and fast. It may sound like a nagging voice, “how can you abandon your children?” or “you’re a bad mom. Your kids need you.” It may even look like quiet sadness for a break, or secret elation and joy mixed with feelings of guilt for feeling … happy.
The push / pull between being present for our children and needing space is constant and, spoiler alert, every mom feels this in some way. Some moms tamp down the guilt and sadness and just try to muddle through, while others embrace it and just decide to never leave the kids. But what if we used Internal Family Systems instead to try and understand what this “mom guilt” part is all about?
Unpacking Parts
There are many parts within us, and IFS therapy helps us identify and make sense of these parts. We all have different parts that get activated or uncomfortable at various times in various situations. Some common parts that may be driving mom guilt could look like:
The Critical Part: A good mom would stay home. Your kids are going to resent you for leaving
The Fear Part: If you leave, your kids won’t feel loved by you. You’re abandoning them. What if something happens and you’re not here?
The Comparison Part: Your friend Marie never leaves her kids. She’s supermom. You’re weak for needing a break
These parts, like all the parts in our system aren’t bad – they just scared. For some reason, these parts have associated mom leaving with something unhealthy, bad or sad.
Reframing with the Value System
Working with an Internal Family Systems therapist can help moms who are struggling with crippling or overwhelming mom guilt. Your IFS therapist can help you learn more about these parts and their history. Maybe when you were a child, being left by a parent led to you feeling scared or insecure. Or maybe you felt relief when they were gone, and feel ashamed for that part. As you befriend these parts in Internal Family Systems therapy, you may be able to help them with a reframe. These parts can come to a place of wholeness and health.
As you work through the lens of IFS therapy, these parts may come to receive messages like: “leaving for work communicates providing for the family,” or “going to the gym models health for my children” or “leaving for errands or to meet with a friends honors connection and balance so I don’t burn out.” As you learn more about your parts and their stories, you can help them come to a place of wholeness and internalize different messages.
If you are leaving your children (with a safe and healthy caregiver) for something that aligns with your core values, you are not abandoning them, but showing up for yourself and them with integrity. Your children will also pick on this behavior. Leaving them with an activated part, like shame or doubt, will communicate to them that you are not confident in what you are doing and will lead to confusion or sadness within your child. But communicating to them that you are leaving because of your value system; i.e: mommy wants to take care of her body and is going for a run will instill in them a sense of confidence and they will feel cared for and loved. They also have the added bonus of time with another safe caregiver, which leads to deeper abilities to bond.
Utilizing Internal Family Systems in the Moment
Pause before you panic! IFS Therapy teaches us to slow down. When we take time to notice the part that’s feeling guilty, acknowledge it. Thank that part for trying to protect you and your bond with your children. Remind it that it’s welcome, but also send that part the confident message from “self” that you’re not leaving because you don’t care – in fact you’re leaving because you DO care; about yourself and your kids.
When you communicate to your children that you’re leaving, do it from that sense of “self” so that your children can see your calmness and your compassion. In short, Internal Family Systems therapy can help reframe the messages you’ve been receiving and help you access the healthy, whole mom you want to be. Remind yourself “when you leave the children to pursue something in line with your values, you are not only taking care of yourself but you are teaching your children how to live with integrity”
If you need help accessing “self” or struggle with parts around mom guilt and shame, reach out
