How to Stay Connected and Keep Romance in Your Marriage
The honeymoon phase of a relationship lasts between 18-24 months. This period of time is exciting and engaging, the typical time that couples start dating, fall in love, get engaged and married. Then, so often, after 2 years together they start to feel the romance fade, the spark disappear and the connection fray. This is when many couples start to seek out couples therapy for help.
However, this doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. Sure, the majority of marriage is comprised of conversations around who took out the garbage or if a spouse can grab the groceries. But there are some practical things couples can do to keep their connection strong and find meaning in the daily grind. Real romance isn’t about grand gestures, but the intentional, consistent, day-to-day moments that build a lifetime.
Love Languages
Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? Gary Chapman posits that there are 5 primary love languages; physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gifts. As a couples therapist, I add a sixth one, communication. Chapman emphasizes that we usually receive love the way we give it, but that doesn’t mean that our spouse receives it the way we give it. If our spouse wants quality time but we give gifts, your spouse may often feel overlooked, neglected or emotionally abandoned. You can learn your own love language then learn what your spouse’s love language looks like in couples therapy or through online quizzes.
This is a potential growth edge – you may learn that after years of marriage, you’ve been like ships in the night, not fully connecting and not knowing why. Once you discover each other’s primary love language and learn how to give that to your spouse you may discover new ways to romance each other. Love languages, while they may sound simple could be complex to navigate on your own. A trained couples therapist can help you learn yourself and your spouse more deeply.
Build Mini Connection Rituals
Small moments every day help break up the mundanity. This could look like sitting down together for 10 minutes every evening after the kids are in bed and sharing one meaningful moment. It may look like making your spouse’s coffee every morning, or the couples therapy Gottman-approved six-second kiss goodbye. It may be cleaning up the kitchen together in the evening and talking or even sending a “check-in” text on your lunch break. These don’t have to be big ordeals, but if they are meaningful to you, build them into your day. These rituals help bring couples closer because it gives you something to look forward to amidst the chaos and stress of daily life.
Date Nights
Or date afternoons. Whatever you can get. And yes, if you have children this requires more sacrifice both financially and time-wise. But neglecting regular time together without children is a sure-fire way to breed disconnection. If you don’t have children, this is may sound like an easier goal, but falling into “I’m tired, rain check” is a trap as well.
Date nights don’t have to involve going out. They can be an evening in with your favorite take-out after the kids are in bed. It can look like taking a bath together, playing a card game, stargazing in the backyard. Or it could look like arranging a babysitter and grabbing afternoon coffee or going on a walk or to the gym together. I recommend couples take one weekend away a year. Arrange for parents or a trusted babysitter to take the kids, book a hotel and just get away. Date nights signify to yourself, your spouse and others that your relationship is a priority and you will guard that time fiercely.
Keep Growing
It can be so easy to let your relationship stagnate and take each other for granted. Life happens, kids happen, work is stressful, keeping the house clean is a lot of work, and there just aren’t enough moments in the day sometimes. But trying new things together creates more opportunities for bonding. Intentionally watch a documentary together – not to zone out, but to discuss it together after an episode is over.
Read a book and talk about it. Pick up a new hobby and have your spouse join you. Find a new recipe you want to try and cook it together. There are endless ways to grow together. Find what works for you and invite your spouse into it. Or ask your spouse what they’re interested in learning about and join them. Relationships thrive when partners are engaged with each other, themselves and the world.
Romance and relationship need fuel consistently to keep the spark alive. The Hollywood Romance ideal doesn’t need to be the foundation of this, and let’s be real, flowers die pretty quickly. But showing up for each other daily in a way that is curious, honest, playful and flirty can keep the spark alive even when most couples face a “slump.”
Marriage is hard work, and while these tips can be helpful, sometimes other pieces of the puzzle need work too. This is where non-judgmental couples therapy in Colorado Springs can be helpful. If you feel frayed in your marriage, and want some further help, feel free to reach out to one a couples therapist by clicking the button below.
