How Internal Family Systems Can Aid Fighting Couples

You’ve been meeting with your Internal Family Systems Therapist for a few months now, and all their parts work has been so beneficial. Until one day, you just lose it with your spouse and your next therapy session isn’t for another week. SO what do you do? Your parts are activated, your spouse is mad and you’re lost in the weeds.

First of all, this is common and you are not crazy or alone! Couples can easily get stuck in these reactive loops, even if they’re making huge progress in their couples therapy sessions. IFS therapy teaches us to slow down and notice what is going on inside. So here are some ways Internal Family Systems therapy can help couples who are fighting.

Acknowledge Your Parts

An IFS therapist will ask frequently “what is coming up for you?” Oftentimes in conflict, our protector parts will work hard to, well, protect us. That means we may fall back easily into anger, criticism, blame or shutting down. It’s crucial to remember that these are not bad parts, nor are they bad parts of our spouse, but merely the ways we have learned to cope.

If you find yourself shutting down out of habit, remember that this part is trying to help you. If you can, take a moment and thank that part for showing up. Thank it for its intention of protecting you and acknowledge the role it’s trying to play. Then, if you can, ask the part if self can step in and take care of it. The part likely needs to be acknowledged and reminded that it is safe in this situation. This can be a huge step in reducing some of the conflict in the moment!

Take a Body Scan

What is happening in your body? Where do you feel a certain part? Often a person may feel a rush of anger accompanied by a closing of the throat, or a flush in their face. Those physical symptoms can be a reminder that we should acknowledge what is before us. Using IFS Therapy, you can develop this initial awareness into a part. The part that makes your throat feel constricted could be reminding you that you didn’t have a voice growing up and you feel anger that your younger self couldn’t express their feelings. Recognizing this younger self and asking it what it wants to say can be a way to invite your partner into healing. When you can access your own parts with calmness and curiosity, it opens the door for your spouse to do the same.

Speak For Your Parts

Part of Internal Family Systems therapy is recognizing that we can become “blended” with our parts, until they feel like they run the system. They become who we are, instead of part of us. In the middle of a conflict, instead of yelling “you never listen to me” you can say instead “part of me feels unheard and that is scary.” This subtle change in language encourages you to speak for your part instead of from the part. This gentle shift can allow your spouse to create emotional safety for you and keep your partner open instead of getting on the defense.

Deepen Intimacy

Conflict, while never fun, can truly deepen intimacy within your relationship. A skilled couple’s therapist can help you with language to feel supported by your spouse. Conflict doesn’t have to divide us, but can instead deepen intimacy. As you check in with your internal family system, you also allow them to understand you to greater depths. You learn to practice vulnerability and trust with your partner, and allow them to become more empathetic towards your system. They also become more attuned with your parts! One day, your spouse may say “hey, I sense that there’s a part of you that feels scared. Can we talk about it?” This allows trust and depth to grow and flourish in your relationship or marriage.

Marriage can get messy, and conflict is inevitable, even in the healthiest, strongest marriages. But recognizing our own parts and learning our spouse’s is a huge step towards deepening intimacy and trust with one another. Instead of being afraid of conflict, it can be a growth opportunity to learn ourselves and our partner better and reconnect with true self. This allows us to be in a deeper and more intimate relationship with ourselves and others. If you’re interested in IFS Therapy, click the link below to schedule a free consultation today.