Why Silence is Not Golden in Your Relationship
Let’s address another horseman of the Gottman apocalypse: stonewalling. Remember, the 4 horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The Gottmans purport that if one of these horsemen appear in a marriage it’s a sign that things are in trouble. If all 4 are present, they say that the marriage is going to fail. What is stonewalling, and why does it hurt marriage?
Stonewalling, or withdrawing or shutting down, may be one of the most common horsemen in the apocalypse. Silence may seem benign, it may seem calm on the outside, but what it’s actually doing is eroding intimacy, leaving conflict unresolved and creating further disconnect. However, a skilled marriage counselor can help you and your spouse if one (or both) of you is guilty of this.
Signs of a Stonewaller
Think of literally talking to a stone wall. You won’t get much! Signs of stonewalling including refusal to talk, avoiding eye contact, changing the subject, scrolling their phone or walking away. There is a difference between taking a pause in conflict and coming back versus stonewalling. A healthy pause would still involve communication, i.e “I feel overwhelmed / flooded / angry, etc and I need to take a break from this. I’ll be back and we can finish this.”
Sometimes we just need to sleep it off or put some space between our spouse in order to have healthy conflict resolution. Stonewalling does none of this. The partner becomes overwhelmed and is unable to engage or offer any form of communication. A marriage counselor can help these couples learn how to take the pause and space they need without completely severing the connection with their spouse.
The Damage of Stonewalling
When stonewalling consistently occurs in a marriage, the partner who experiences it can be left feeling abandoned, dismissed or rejected. Likely, with stonewallers, the conflict just fizzles itself out and things return to homeostasis – but the underlying conflict remains unresolved. Over time this builds resentment in both partners and creates emotional distance. As with the other horsemen, couples have less intimacy and stop feeling like they’re a team. One spouse may view the other as the enemy.
John and Julie Gottman determined through their years of study that stonewalling that is unaddressed and unresolved becomes one of the strongest predictors of divorce. But it’s not all the stonewaller’s fault! The stonewaller has build years of patterns and may not feel safe – therefore their body goes into fight / flight / freeze mode. This shuts down their ability to connect with their spouse. Cortisol levels rise and the partner who is stonewalling is physiologically unable to process rationally. Shutting down becomes the safest option for them. If a couple ends up in marriage counseling working with a marriage therapist, the marriage therapist can help this partner develop a sense of safety with their spouse and help them gain tools and skills for self-regulation.
Benefits of Marriage Counseling
As aforementioned, one of the skills a marriage counselor can help develop would be a sense of safety within the marriage. They can also help the couple learn how to take structured and healthy pauses or time. For example, the stonewaller could say “I need a break” and walk away but the other partner would understand that the stonewaller will be back and they will resolve the issue. A break likely looks like 20-30 minutes for the stonewaller to calm down, but sometimes they may need the night to sleep it off. If they are hungry, tired or distracted, healthy conflict resolution will not occur. The marriage counselor can also help rebuild the severed connection that has occurred between the spouses. If both partners feel heard, this will reduce the cycle and pattern the couple finds themselves trapped in.
Practical Next Steps
Notice the signs: the stonewaller may notice a racing heart, a tight chest or mental fog.
Take a break: as mentioned, take the pause and time to calm down before the conflict escalates
Reconnect: when the conversation is resumed, resume gently and with kindness
Therapy: a marriage counselor can help you recognize your patterns and help you come to a place of security and connection with your spouse
Stonewalling may look like someone is just “keeping the peace” but it’s actually driving a wedge between the partners. This, however can be resolved with time, patience and therapy. If you want to start the work now and feel truly heard and connected, reach out to find more about marriage counseling in Colorado Springs today.
