The Damage of Defensiveness
We have arrived at the final horseman of the four – put forth by John and Julie Gottman – defensiveness. Defensiveness is common, and while it may be a protective part, it also contributes to conflict, blocks intimacy in a marriage and can undermine trust. However, marriage counseling can help replace defensiveness with tools for letting down your guard, and allowing responsibility, ownership and empathy to flow.
Defensiveness is a reaction to criticism – real or perceived- with denial, excuses or counter attacks. Some of the most common ways it shows up can look like a counter attack; “well, you burned the chicken last week”, playing the victim; “I’m so tired of you picking on me” or excusing behavior; “I didn’t mean to – it’s not a big deal.” Sometimes people may make a joke to try to diffuse the tension; “well, I guess I’m just a terrible person then” but the underlying theme of it all is: defensiveness. The problem is that being defensive blocks accountability and doesn’t allow for vulnerability and further discussion.
Why We Get Defensive & How it Damages Marriages
Being defensive is often a knee-jerk reaction when we feel blamed, shamed, or criticized. To be fair, it’s rooted in our nervous system and often stems from how we were treated as children. These childhood patterns can create the fight-flight-freeze response in us. Oftentimes, those who are defensive grew up in homes where mistakes weren’t safe to admit, and we learned to hide, blame or deflect in order to not receive punishment. This is very normal and common, but it’s not healthy for a marriage and it can erode trust. Those who find themselves in a pattern of defensiveness may need a marriage counselor in order to untangle some of these childhood wounds and patterns.
The damage it can cause in marriage is great. A blame game may ensue; one partner criticizes and the other becomes defensive and no one is able to be heard. This causes couples to self-protect instead of problem solve. Over time partner one feels dismissed and unheard and partner two feels attacked and misunderstood. The Gottman’s research shows that defensiveness left unchecked and becoming the norm in a marriage is a strong predictor of divorce.
The Antidote to Defensiveness
John and Julie Gottman created an antidote to defensiveness: taking responsibility. This is something a marriage counselor can assist with. The counselor can help you reframe statements like “I didn’t forget to run the dishwasher – you didn’t remind me!” to “I forgot. I’m sorry. Let me run it right now.”
By owning the problem, even just part of it if owning the whole problem is too much to start with, can open the door to collaboration with your partner and vulnerability for them to admit where potentially they missed the mark too. Responsibility does not equal blame and as a marriage therapist helps couples practice this shift, they can start to take accountability and become deeper partners and grow together instead of apart.
How Marriage Counseling Can Change Things
Therapy creates a safe place for couples to slow down with one another. A marriage counselor can also help couples recognize their patterns of defensiveness as well as learning emotional regulation tools so they don’t become flooded in the moment. A marriage counselor may integrate some of these Gottman techniques into therapy, or may use Internal Family Systems to uncover some of the defensive parts that emerge in your marriage.
Through engaging in counseling, couples can begin to grow in trust and intimacy, as they replace defensiveness with empathy and responsibility. If you’re ready to break cycles of defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling or contempt, let one of our marriage therapists aid you. We can direct you in a way that breaks these patterns and habits and create healthier ways of handling the conflict you find yourself in. Defensiveness can be sneaky, but it is damaging to a marriage. A marriage counselor can help you gain back your connection and become reconnected to what matters – each other. If you’re ready to address defensiveness, or any other issues i your relationship, reach out for a consultation for marriage counseling in Colorado Springs by clicking one of the links below.
